"We're excited to announce our new mobile banking app!

Simply fax us your signed authorization form, wait 2 weeks for your activation code to arrive by mail, then visit any branch during business hours (Tuesday-Thursday, 10am-2pm) to complete enrollment."

— Your Bank, probably

Actual Things Banks Say:

• "Please allow 6-8 weeks for your new debit card"

• "Our systems are being updated. Try again Monday."

• "For security reasons, we cannot process this online"

• "Funds will be available after a brief hold period"

• "We value your patience during this unprecedented time"

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INTERNATIONAL WIRE TRANSFER

═══════════════════════════════

Amount: $100.00

Fee: $45.00

ETA: 5-7 business days

Status: Pending verification

Please visit branch with 2 forms of ID.

System Requirements:

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• Requires Android 4.0 or iOS 8

• Best viewed in Internet Explorer 6

• Password: EXACTLY 8 characters

• Session timeout: 47 seconds

Last updated: 2008

Did you know?

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It's 2025.

Your bank runs on software older than the internet.

Maybe it's time for something that doesn't suck?

Year,Event

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1974 — Core system deployed

∞ — Lines of COBOL still running

$35 — Fee for being $0.01 overdrawn

3-5 — Business days for literally anything