"We're excited to announce our new mobile banking app!
Simply fax us your signed authorization form, wait 2 weeks for your activation code to arrive by mail, then visit any branch during business hours (Tuesday-Thursday, 10am-2pm) to complete enrollment."
β Your Bank, probably
Actual Things Banks Say:
β’ "Please allow 6-8 weeks for your new debit card"
β’ "Our systems are being updated. Try again Monday."
β’ "For security reasons, we cannot process this online"
β’ "Funds will be available after a brief hold period"
β’ "We value your patience during this unprecedented time"
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INTERNATIONAL WIRE TRANSFER
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Amount: $100.00
Fee: $45.00
ETA: 5-7 business days
Status: Pending verification
Please visit branch with 2 forms of ID.
System Requirements:
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β’ Requires Android 4.0 or iOS 8
β’ Best viewed in Internet Explorer 6
β’ Password: EXACTLY 8 characters
β’ Session timeout: 47 seconds
Last updated: 2008
Did you know?
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It's 2025.
Your bank runs on software older than the internet.
Maybe it's time for something that doesn't suck?
Year,Event
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1974 β Core system deployed
β β Lines of COBOL still running
$35 β Fee for being $0.01 overdrawn
3-5 β Business days for literally anything
[ERROR] Session expired
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You were inactive for 47 seconds while filling out the form.
Please start over.
Security Verification Required
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Please re-enter:
β’ Mother's maiden name
β’ First pet's name (from 1987)
β’ Your childhood fears
β’ Blood type
Welcome to LegacyBank Proβ’
Your trusted business banking solution since 1974.
Best viewed in Netscape Navigator 4.0
Payroll failed.
Please try again on Monday.
Error: COBOL_OVERFLOW_1974
Actual banking interfaces. We couldn't make this up.
Transactions "pending" worldwide:
Including yours. ETA: 3-5 business days.